April profile

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I would love to be taken care of. For a week or two. I'd love to rely on someone else's money - not for extravagance at all, just for regular living, paying the bills that are due, buying groceries. I just want to take a break. I'd love to not worry constantly.

An "I Hate" Post

I hate mushrooms. 
I hate when restaurants put onions in salads. 
I hate when men are talking to women about ... something very closely tied to sexism or objectification, and then when the woman uses simple logic & points out internalized sexism in something the man said, the man basically throws up his hands and goes, "Whoa whoa whoa! I wasn't talking about that at all! You so crazy and defensive and not logical, silly emotional woman!" 4EO8RWUDC23NB89N247B NV27OWE.

Also, that keyboard smash just unlocked something weird on my laptop. 

I hate how before I get sick there's this spot in my throat that I'm constantly conscious of. (But I'm also grateful that it tells me I'm about to be sick, because it allowed me to go get all the soup last night in preparation for the duration.) 

I hate that I didn't get ginger ale for myself last night. :( 

Things that I don't hate but that are on my brain: 

- Does a fever actually mean your brain is on fire? 
- I got sick right after my relationship started, because he was sick & shared his germs. I got sick right after my relationship ended, because the friend I visited for Golden-Girls-watching & ice-cream-eating was sick. (So it's very possible if we hadn't broken up, I would not be sick.) 
- Every time I start a thought, I keep going like this: 
2nbuger.jpg   2x12-The-Injury-Animated-gif-the-office-8678636-325-187
April profile

Boos are just applause from ghosts

Yays in life: 

Tickets to the Nutcracker on the 27th! I'm a dork about the Nutcracker, don't judge. Hopefully this one will have a full, proper orchestra and not be a ballet-on-speed, just-play-the-CD-over-the-speaker-system abomination that was the Straz Center Nutcracker last year (the show was fine, but seriously? NO LIVE ORCHESTRA?!). 

A wonderful game night on Saturday, where I learned to play Tsuro and finally got to play Dixit (BUNNIES! THERE ARE BUNNIES AS PLAYING PIECES. THAT IS THE CUTEST THING. IT'S LIKE A BUNNY STAMPEDE WITH 8 PEOPLE). And we played Taboo, which is quite up my alley but I'd never played before. Was very pleased to use a ridiculous in-joke with Reese when I had to get folks to guess "Margaret Thatcher." Finally played Cards Against Humanity, too, though at the Ugly Sweater party at Meatland afterward. 

Our 5 Hebrew Love Songs performance is done. DONE. No more. 

Carol Sing next Sunday!

Gender-free Contra Dancing in like 2 weeks! 

The loveliest boy in all of Boston/the eastern timezone has repeatedly suggested watching Gilmore Girls. Add this to the time I was heading downstairs to get myself some water and he met me at the top of the stairs with a full bottle for me like he had GODDAMN READ MY MIND BEFORE I WAS EVEN THIRSTY.  WHAT IS HE TRYING TO DO TO ME. 

Boston Public Library at Copley Square yesterday! Amazing exhibit about the EI elevated rail that turned into the current Orange Line. Plus some bizarre adorable dioramas completely unrelated to the exhibit. 

The weather has been very mild, thus allowing my car to continue running & not freeze over the battery.

Boos in life: 

The weather has been very mild, thus impossibilizing romantic snow walks with hot chocolate/cider. 

I am super-awkward about Christmas and hate the majority of Christmas music and WHY do musical artists feel the need to put out recordings of themselves singing carols? Just. Stop this madness. It is terrible awfulness like 97% of the time. Why you do this, Rod Stewart? I love you so irrationally. Don't taint my irrational love with rational ire. 

BPL at Copley did not have Sandman! What the fuck, guys? Also your database is super-unintuitive. "0 Available out of 0" directly above "1 Available out of 1" does not foster understanding amongst your users. 

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Knope balloons!

Top 7 Glee Performances (from someone crazy)

Okay, so I've been watching Glee since the Grilled Cheezus episode back in 2010. I occasionally out-and-out like it, but mostly I watch it because of that train wreck aspect it has. Possibly the stupidest thing about me watching Glee is that I don't actually like the singing/dancing. I don't like most of the song themselves, and a musical performance is like an interruption to my watching Finn be the awkward human meatball that he is and Santana say amazing things. So I wanted to compile a list of my favorite Glee musical performances, because... there really are so few that I like in the first place. The patterns in my preferences will become very clear. 

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April profile

Go, go, speed racer

Weird things that are indeed fact: 

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Other Cool Things of today: 
I finished my last hamburger patty. I'm glad I got the giant box of them back in like... August. Now I may never get them again. 
I had a very filling and large lunch at work because I made a salad in advance and had some microwaveable orange chicken, plus some cookies. Awesomecakes. 
I had hiccups after lunch today, but they subsided relatively quickly. 
I managed to get generic waffles instead of ~Eggo.~ Congratulate me; I have never been able to do this before. 
I put all of my "exceptions" at work in the exceptions program on the computer. I don't think I'd ever done this before yesterday, but now I am a wizard. 
April profile


 Okay, so I kind of flailed and failed a lot with my "apply for jobs" plan last week. I made a list of 5 jobs I found on Sunday to apply for throughout the week. I apped to a Newswire Editor position in *sigh* Charlotte. I've never even been to Charlotte. It's 4 hours away. When I was driving to Florida and I was 4 hours in, I was like "oh man, I can do this shit - Charlotte's 4 hours from my house; I can do that too!" but thinking of it now and during the last week sort of makes me tired and like a whiny little kid who doesn't want to do chores. 

Found 2 editor-type positions today, one near Raleigh and one actually in J-ville, which is bizarre but happens very very occasionally. They both appear to be very recent ads (about a week old, less than a week), so that's good. Oxford University Press is like a beautiful dream to me, though that's true of various other companies. But OUP is a huge, recognizable name, and I am in love with them, and it has locations outside of fucking New York and Boston. (Okay, not a lot of U.S. locations, and certainly not very good ones, in my opinion. Sorry, New York and Maryland.) 
Looked at some grad school information about the publishing business, and if I decide to do something like that, I think I need an on-campus program, not an online program. Although I think I probably would enjoy the experience more in-person versus online, it's primarily because it seems to me extremely easy to miss out on "networking" type of opportunities online. I'm sure people can and will do that, but I don't think that I can, realistically, as I am now. 
Looked for "Snow, Glass, Apples" online today and ended up listening to the reading or ... whatever it's called by Bebe Neuwirth and the Seeing Ear Theatre. Fun times. Well, maybe not "fun," but you know. Also quite a bit creepy with all the, uh, "manhood." 

Thinking about the past and what I could say to people, and if I really want to (hint: I don't), about what they put me through, and thinking about the whole issue of freezing your emotions, operating as if you don't really have any deep ones, when you can live like that and when you can't, and wondering if I taught myself to live like that so well in 2009, and tried to re-ingrain that in myself last summer, that I miss out on some of my own feelings until they punch me in the face. 
  • Current Music
    Being Erica marathon


This might be really obnoxious because I know he can see this, but -- my boyfriend's pretty frakkin' awesome but I totally blame him for me watching um... this awards show. SERIOUSLY I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE AWARD IS. Is it ... the Oscars? It's still on and everything. Seriously. What is wrong with me today. 

ANYWAY. I just wanted to say to the world that, even though I haven't seen The King's Speech, I was jazzed over and over again tonight because I love Colin Firth and want him to be my celebrity godfather. 

Also WHY ARE THEY PLAYING THE MUSIC FROM OKLAHOMA? And now "Take My Breath Away?" I feel like I'm going mad. WHAT IS THIS MEDLEY FROM HELL. 

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A post to deposit my cognitive processes

"Even to begin to understand the problem of faith one must differentiate between rational and irrational faith. By irrational faith I understand the belief (in a person or an idea) which is based on one's submission to irrational authority. In contrast, rational faith is a conviction which is rooted in one's own experience of thought or feeling. Rational faith is not primarily belief in something, but the quality of certainty and firmness which our convictions have. Faith is a character trait pervading the whole personality, rather than a specific belief." 
-- Erich Fromm, The Art of Loving, 1956
Have in recent months - and every so often over the last I-don't-know-how-many years - been coaxed into thought (from which I slipped myself away, never having enough time to devote the energy I would like to) about two particular concurrent facts of my life: 1) I disassociate myself from religion as much as possible; I feel that the question of "God - yes or no?" is not only wrongly asked but, for my own life, irrelevant.  2) I experience the word "faith" (or "faithful" or ... whatever) as a word that applies to and resonates with my life and my person in a giant way. 

This excerpt - and be thankful that I kept my quoting down to that; I could have run on for pages - describes it (quickly) well. I am a person of - apparently rational - faith. I cannot easily or exactly say what it might be I "have faith in," just that I have faith. It's not something I connect to "something larger than myself;" my experience of faith has been not only spiritual or intellectual, but visceral. 

Lying around in bed since Saturday is making me very rambly, and I want to talk about all sorts of things, like everything Erich Fromm every wrote or suggested, like Epicurean happiness, like the individual as a universe, about living through a human body instead of living in a human body - about not feeling trapped, about the chasm between our personal experience and external "common sense," about using and not using certain words for ourselves - words we think are important or informative but have almost endless gray area - and about the experience of caring. About snow and New England, about how my non-return to New England is no longer a tuck-my-tail-between-my-legs, defeat-y thing. I'll go back someday. I just don't need to go back right now. (There are definitely winter-time advantages to not being in NE, too, but that's the least of things.) 

Also, on my music player, Loreena McKennitt's "Parallel Dreams" album is sandwiched between "Human Nature" by Madonna and "Be Prepared" from the Lion King. I almost feel like I should be proud... 

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  • Current Music
    "Coraline" by Rasputina
April profile

T's failures in digging up her old music

 Oh my god. My attempts at research are astounding failures when "research" equals "going through lots of old shit from high school." Things I learned: 

- I used to like Family Guy. 
- I listened to Nightwish WAY TOO GODDAMN MUCH. (This is actually relevant to my research.) 
- Loreena McKennitt was basically my patron saint. This has not changed significantly, I suppose. 
- Oh yeah. The Darkness existed. 
- I enjoyed reading The Da Vinci Code. 

I was on the search for a particular song that I used to have (on the old computer that is basically dead now). I remember very little about it. I remember that it had kind of a creepy, slow-ish, sad/dark/cynical maybe sinister feel to it, and that it talked about angels (I believed it had "angel" in the title), and that the band name started with M. Oh, and the vocalist was male. Or... male-sounding. (Never know, okay.) But yeah. A deeper voice. And... it was in English. Besides that, I can pretty much just give my impressions. I always got the idea, listening to it, of a bunch of angels/people in an opium den or something. 

There are multiple "angel" songs that I cannot track down. I remember when I was a youngling creature (like 4, 5) and had two favorite songs - "A Little Less Conversation" (I don't even... why this was a favorite at 5 years old... I don't) and a soft, piano-y angel song with a female vocalist. Several times I remember turning on the radio at night before sleeping, and the first measures of the song would be playing. And I've looked for it occasionally on the internet over the last ... 12 years or so, but I have so little to go on and there are, of course, a thousand billion songs with "angel" in the title. 

So I'm basically spending this evening listening to a bunch of songs called "Angel." SO HELPFUL. :( But I did find this, which I totally would have listened to a thousand times during high school and ... still would now: 

  • Current Mood
    tired tired
April profile

I'm the hero of this story; I don't need to be saved

 I watch (500) Days of Summer way more than is probably healthy. 

I have words like "construction" in my head today; "monster" seems to be back lately, though less shouty. 

I love my Ruthi, but she leads me to horrible things that I cannot tear myself away from sometimes, like xtranormal. Here's a result of that -some monotone Doctor Who speculation and my slight hostility toward the Moff and repeating villains way too quickly: